You Can't Call It Froley.

And Miracle on 34th Street is going to be considerably more interesting this year as I have just seen the male romantic lead having a cry wank.

Finally understand why this is called Amercian Horror Story…a woman just made tea in the microwave.

Mentioned this one a few times, but it does look good, doesn’t it?

posted 1 week ago

Nailed it.

Nailed it.


Anonymous asked: "do you still love Jennifer Lawrence so much now shes taken loads of naked photographs?"

Of course; why wouldn’t I?


The Ten Best Cries of Jesse Pinkman.

If you haven’t seen Breaking Bad yet (and if not, rectify this IMMEDIATELY) then there’s a big SPOILER WARNING here for all five seasons.

It’s difficult to believe that this month marks a whole year since the phenomenon that was Breaking Bad bowed out in spectacular fashion.

It’s been almost a whole year since we saw Heisenberg running round in his budgie smugglers, Walt Jr asking for his breakfast, Marie being a fusspot in a purple ensemble, or - most importantly - since we saw Jesse Pinkman cry.

Because, in the nicest way possible, there is nothing more enjoyable than watching Aaron Paul cry. Honestly, his acting is a gift to the world. He is phenomenal in this role and played every aspect of Jesse Pinkman’s extremely layered character to perfection.

Though he was frequently hilarious (anyone who didn’t absolutely piss themselves at his elated face as he blew air into a yellow lab suit need to have a serious word with their funny bones) the best thing was when he got to cry act, because Aaron Paul is the best cry-actor in the world. And poor Jesse certainly had a lot to cry about.


Five seasons, countless beatings, three dead bald friends, two dead girlfriends and one case of being kidnapped a ginger Matt Damon lookalike later, and we’ve seen Pinkman blubbing approximately 17,000 times. There are so many amazing examples of his crying, but to mark it being almost a year since he sped off into the night in Felina, here are the ten best cries of Jesse Pinkman.

10. Season 5, Episode 2 (Madrigal); Crying after finding a ricin cigarette in your house after nearly shooting your partner in crime because you thought he took it (he did).

Ah, the ricin cigarette thing is such a huge and complex issue that you’re probably better off actually watching it than having me explain it in a typically rambling fashion. Instead, we will focus on how this cry is a perfect demonstration of how Jesse is such a good soul at heart. He feels so guilty about the crime he almost committed, which is pretty much a polar opposite to Walt who by this point is pretty much permanently a manipulative and remorseless little bugger.

9. Season 5, Episode 11 (Confessions); Crying furiously because you find out he actually did steal your poison cigarette and has used it to poison a small child who has become a sort of son to you.

And when Jesse rightly finds out that Walt did in fact steal the ricin cigarette (seriously, Google it or something) he understandably hits the roof. He grabs a gun, beats the shit out of brilliantly seedy lawyer Saul Goodman and then goes on a huge revenge mission which is pretty much the final nail in the coffin in the Walt/Jesse relationship (until the very very end…)

8. Season 2, Episode 4 (Down); Crying in an RV in the fetal position covered in blue shit after falling into a portaloo.

It may not be as emotionally taut as some of his cries, but as far as I can recall this is the first time where I felt fully endeared towards Jesse. Sure, he’d always been funny and there were hints of a bit more substance with that trip home in the first series, but this is the first of many, many times when I thought ‘someone please, give that boy a cuddle.’ This paved the way for the troubled and brilliantly developed Jesse we now all know and - in my case, obsessively - love.

7. Season 5, Episode 12 (Rabid Dog); Crying whilst contemplating burning a house down.

While on his post-ricin revenge mission, angry crying Jesse comes out full throttle as he plans to burn down the house of Walter White. He’s ultimately stopped by lovely old Hank (anyone notice how every bald guy Jesse befriends winds up six feet under?) but he puts some proper gumption into the scene first, bellowing ‘he can’t keep getting away with this!’ I enjoy angrily crying Jesse only slightly less than tragically crying Jesse.

6. Season 2, Episode 13 (ABQ); Crying in bed after discovering your girlfried has died of a heroin overdose (you are yet to discover that your partner in crime chose not to roll her over and save her.)

Almost directly following the first time where I truly thought ‘Walt, you really are a callous old prick’ Jesse wakes up to discover his lovely girlfriend Jane has died from a heroin overdose. The shot of the the bed springs bouncing is one of my favourites ever (we all thought nookie, no one thought tragedy) as he tries and fails to resuscitate her. Sadness.

5. Season 3, Episode 7 (One Minute); Crying angrily in Hospital after your partner in crime’s bald friend beats the shit out of you.

From this episode, you’d never guess Hank and Jesse would one day wind up as allies. After somewhat mistakenly being beaten up by Hank after a confusing incident in a domicile (again, complex) Jesse wants revenge. He’s extremely pissed off in this scene, which marks a brief downward spiral in Jesse partaking in some considerably morally questionably behavior. He quickly comes round though, and goes back to being the Pinkman we all know and love.

4. Season 3, Episode 13 (Full Measures); Crying because you have to shoot a karaoke enthusiast in the face.

This one is pretty grim. Obviously, the whole getting shot in the face thing sucks for Gale most of all, but - predictably, because I’m one of those terrifying super fans - my sympathies were pretty much all with Jesse when he had to kill him. Sorry, but I can’t stay mad when he looked so childlike and vulnerable throughout.

3. Season 5, Episode 16. (Felina); Crying as you say goodbye to your bald friend as he finally does something good again and frees you from some horrible drug gang with swastika tattoos.

Ah, Felina. I can’t quite put into words the emotional trauma I went through during this episode. There was stress, there was panic, there were enough tears to drown a kitten…but, being reliably excellent, Breaking Bad concluded with a faultless finale that saw Pinkman live (hurrah!) and even managed to get me shedding a tear for Walt’s death, who I previously wanted to jump in and strangle myself. Their goodbye to eachother is just perfect. No over sentimentality, no hugs (thank god) instead, just a small look highlighting the fact that through everything, their relationship really, really did matter.

2. Season 5, Episode 15 (Granite State); Crying as ginger meth Damon shoots your on/off girlfriend dead while you watch helplessly from a car across the road.

This. Episode. Was. Horrible. Horrible. Horr. I. Ble. Watching Jesse straining to shout out to Andrea as Todd (basically on Joffrey levels of hatred by this point) was almost unbearable, and I felt so sad and angry watching it. I still fully believe that whatever Jesse is doing now, he’s been to check that Brock’s ok.

1. Season 2, Episode 13 (ABQ); Crying in a crack den over your recently deceased girlfriend.

Though the greatest cry ever was the episode after Jane’s death, where Walt discovered him sobbing his little heart out in crack den, blaming himself for what happened. Though we’re obviously all furious at Walt at this point, their hug does show that a large part of Walt does genuinely care for Jesse, and shows that this is a relationship way more meaningful and complex than the majority of soppy love stories you see.

Aaron Paul, thank you for playing a character I grew to love this much, and Jesse Pinkman, I hope that wherever you are, you’re happier than you’ve ever been.


Boyhood.

As much as I love a good Twitter argument with a pretentious toss pot or two (they give me life) I feel I’m slightly all talked out on Boyhood today, so I’ll keep this brief.

Generally, I’m a huge fan of Richard Linklater; the exquisite Before Midnight was in my top three films of last year, and I think the ‘and they’ve touched me’ line from School of Rocks is truly one of the finest jokes in any comedy ever. So it pains to me to admit this, but re Boyhood, I just don’t understand what all the fuss is about.

I think because the reviews seem to have been so unanimously positive, I went in automatically thinking I’d love it, so maybe disappoint was inevitable. Whatever the reason, I was distinctly underwhelmed.

“Nothing happens” in Boyhood is the quote that led to the aforementioned Twitter spat (a genuine, actual human man said this at one point: ‘if you think nothing happens in Boyhood, I don’t want to imagine what you might think of Béla Tarr’s films.’ Christ.) but I stand by this. 

I’d say I’m actually quite partial to a quiet little indie film where not a lot really happens, but this is nothing-really-happening in a dull way. Before Sunrise is a film where not much happened, but you have the lovely, sparky Celine to watch so it’s never boring. Where are all the big, strong characters in this? I can’t see them.

I feel like I should say something positive (if only to avoid a cinephile lynching) so, I will say that is that there’s a good eye for casting, because Ellar Coltrane holds his own in every section as he grows up, and THIS photo set is cool.

And the premise and time frame is interesting. But, as I said earlier in the week about the first Purge film (bet you didn’t expect you’d be seeing a Boyhood/Purge comparison any time soon, but that is just how I role), the idea is considerably better than the delivery.

It saddens me to say that Boyhood was a big disappoint for me, but it was. It went on far far too long, and could’ve used a bit more oomph.

Now I’m going to hide before someone finds this and bans me from the local art house. 

☆.5


All Cheerleaders Die.

First off, I honestly don’t know what’s going on with this films UK release because it premiered (I guess?) at Frightfest last week but I accidentally saw it ages ago. Anyway, it might end up getting released over here so here’s a brief review anyway.

From the trailer All Cheerleaders Die looks gross and fun and amazing. It isn’t. It’s more Jennifer’s Body than anything Grindhouse-y and is neither funny or scary enough to work.

I wasn’t really bowled over by anyone in it (preferred the lead when she was Frankie in The Sleepover Club..those were the days) and I was also kind of bored by the end. Not great.

posted 3 weeks ago

I created a Hateful Eight dream cast, but pretended they were all going to be Women.

This week there have been a ton of rumours that Miss Jennifer Lawrence might be cast in Quentin Tarantino’s Hateful Eight. In honour of this potentially ridonkulously exciting news, I’ve created my own dream cast for the film, only I’ve envisaged that the whole eight will be females.

This isn’t any statement about females roles in Hollywood or anything like that (that’s an entirely different story; by me a cuppa and we’ll chat), I just think that Tarantino has created some amazing, iconic femmes in his time and I think these eight ladies would fit into his world perfectly.

#1. Jennifer Lawrence.

If this rumour turns out to be true that she will be the sole female in The Hateful Eight, then I probably couldn’t have imagined anyone better in the role. She can do fierce action chick, she can do funny and she’s always captivating to watch. Imagine how fun she’d be spouting a QT monologue and playing one his iconic girls. And as the pair of them are both Oscar magnets, I think this could easily see her gain another best supporting actress nod.

#2. Natalie Portman.

Usually Natalie Portman is my go to answer in any ‘who would you like to see in the role?’ type question because she is a goddess and full of talent and excellent, and though she doesn’t initially scream Tarantino, I’m sure she would be reliabley brilliant in the role, and if her casting was announced I’d probably wee my pants a tiny bit with excitement.  

#3. Natalie Dormer.

A Natalie who does however feel very Tarantino is Miss Dormer from Game of Thrones. She has a lovely pretty pixieish face yet also has that ‘I could definitely kill you but in a really sexy way’ kind of vibe going on, too. Her performances are always really sparky and lively and I think she’d be brilliant. You can put her GOT co-star Gwendoline Christie as the reserve in this list.

#4. Hikari Mitsushima.

The Japanese film Love Exposure strikes me as something that Quentin Tarantino would probably enjoy, and if you aren’t familiar with it, Yoko (the character Mitsushima plays) should be way more iconic than she is because she’s brilliant. The man hating teen spends the majority of her free time picking fights for fun, all while looking cute in her uniform. Bouncy and fierce simultaneously.

#5. Danai Gurira.

I think it’s an important trait of most QT females than they can do a fair bit of bum-kicking, and Gurira proves more than capable of doing that when she’s playing sword wielding super woman Michonne in The Walking Dead. She is the epitome of a warrior woman and I’m vaguely in love with her. And we all know he does enjoy a Katana.

#6. Lupita Nyong’o.

Lupita burst into stardom earlier this year in a flurry of bright dresses and an almost astoundingly good performance in 12 Years a Slave. I’m excited to see what she does next, however I cannot bring myself to sit through a Star Wars film, so if he’d be so kind as to cast her in something I actually want to see that would be wonderful, ta. She’s really, really talented.

#7. Meryl Streep.

Basically Meryl Streep can do no wrong, and I’d love to see what she’d do to a character carved by Tarantino. I think seeing her speaking his dialogue would be so enjoyable to watch, and I think it would be another almost guaranteed Oscar nomination if she signed up. Not that she’d need one.

#8. Robin McLeavy.

Another film I think he’d enjoy is Aussie gore fest The Loved Ones (my favourite horror film ever) and her character Lola is my favourite villain of all time. She’s a pink wearing, glitter loving girlie girl who’s favourite hobby is to brutally torture boys in her spare time, and I think her level of unhinged would fit one of his films perfectly.

That’s my dream female cast. However, if we have to get them folks with the penises involved then I’d quite like to see Norman Reedus, Aaron Paul, Frank Grillo (recently discovered obsession) and Clive Owen. And probably a ton of others. 


The actual Frank Grillo used one or both of his arms to favourite a tweet of mine, what a majestic event.

The actual Frank Grillo used one or both of his arms to favourite a tweet of mine, what a majestic event.

posted 3 weeks ago

The Purge: Anarchy.

I enjoyed the original Purge film more than a lot of people seemed to, but I did feel that the idea of the film ended up being a lot better than real life.

The premise of the film is really interesting; a new Government with a definite dodgy whiff (Orwellian, The Capitol etc) introduces The Purge to America, where one night a year all crime – including murder – becomes legal and no emergency services operate. This supposedly keeps crime down for the rest of the year.

It’s a big idea, so the fact that the original Purge was set almost entirely in one house felt a little underwhelming. Thankfully, for the second installment, they’ve brought out the big guns (literally in both the case of the actual firearms on screen and also on the body of Frank Grillo. helloooo handsome) and it feels a lot more exciting and tense. It’s so much less contained than the first one, and that helps it enormously.

Instead of a suburban house, this installment is set on the crime riddled streets on Purge nights, and follows three separate groups; a couple who manage to BREAK DOWN JUST BEFORE THE PURGE CLAXON SOUNDS (well hello there stereotypically shit horror film couple), a poor Mother and Daughter who can’t afford to properly reinforce their property for the night, and a Sergeant voluntarily hitting the streets on a mysterious revenge mission.

When the Mother and Daughter are about to be bundled into a van for god knows what kind of torture, the Sergeant saves the two women and unwittingly becomes baby sitter for the other characters for the night.

Thinking about it now, about 70% of the film was probably just Frank Grillo peering round corners as he leads his little bunch of waifs around the streets like some kind of action man/Pied Piper hybrid. And yet, it never stops being exciting.

I was on edge through so much of it, and – a rarity in a genre that’s usually full of whiny teenage twats – I actually really wanted most of them to survive (I could take or leave the couple for most of it, especially when the girl screamed super loudly because a mouse got on her leg. What. A. Fanny. But due to reasons I shan’t say cause of spoileryness I did quite like her by the end).

And I absolutely bloody loved Frank Grillo in it before. In my review of The Winter Soldier I may have mentioned that I have a slight penchant for his arms in that film and in the Instagram stalking mission I went on last night. I mean,

(yep, it’s happening again)

Just look at them.

But even if he didn’t have the arms he is still a far more interesting character than a lot you see in this sort of film, and Grillo plays every aspect of roughness and mystery and intrigue and toughness brilliantly. I think it might be love.

There was a hideous moment where I thought that it was going to have a really crap ending, but then they threw in another ‘ooh’ moment and I really liked the ending too. Horror type films always get extra brownie points from me when they bother to create an actual, proper ending and resist that terrible cliché of throwing a naff shock in right at the end.

There were rumours of a Purge TV show a while ago and I would fully watch it if it came out. And suggestion: Can it PLEASE star Frank Grillo? So much better than I expected.


The film As Above, So Below comes out soon, and it’s a really interesting looking horror film set in the Paris Catacombs.

I was in Paris recently and visited the Catacombs, and they’re one of the most fascinating places I’ve ever been. So I thought I’d share a bit about the trip on here, as well as some of the pictures I took.

THE WEBSITE has most of the information on, but basically they’re mass graves built in tunnels underneath Paris that go for miles; you feel like you’re walking forever surrounded by all different kinds of bones on either side. 

There are over six million real skeletons down there, and they’re piled up and seem to stretch back forever, which is eerie but also brilliant.

Our guide showed us one skull that had a bullet hole in his head so he was obviously shot to death for some reason, which is crazy.

Only a small area is open to the public, but they stretch on forever, and apparently when they first mentioned and were constantly getting lost and were never found again.

Also apparently they’re quiet easy to break into, so it’s really big film for students over there to break in and throw Catacomb parties down there. 

She mentioned the film briefly, and showed us a sign they use in the trailer that says something like ‘welcome to the Empire of death’ (chirpy). So yeah, probably the most interesting film set of 2014. 


Happy Sunday everyone! 


“Go have a wash and brush your hair, you fat bitch.” Why Helen Wood should not have been allowed to win Big Brother.

I know lots of you don’t care about Big Brother UK. I particularly know that lots of people who follow this film blog with occasional slabs of The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad do not care about Big Brother UK. But last night’s finale was an absolute shambles, and I need to have this rant.

So. Last night, Big Brother 2014s most controversial (and I think it’s more than fair to say most nasty) housemate Helen Wood was voted the winner, and given a hundred thousand pounds as her prize. I don’t know how this happened. The majority of Twitter doesn’t know how this happened. But it has, and her victory serves as a massive fuck you to common decency.  

One thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of people are going with the outrage that a ‘prostitute’ has won Big Brother (a tag the Daily Mail has infuriatingly embraced, though I’m infuriated by the Daily Mail:

image

But to me, that isn’t the issue (sleeping with a married man is the worst aspect of that, but the whole ‘boys can be slutty and girls can’t’ is an entirely different debate I’ll be more than happy to go into next time PMS strikes). The issue is that she was awful and aggressive to people, she was repeatedly permitted to be awful and aggressive to people, and now she has been rewarded for being awful and aggressive people. Well done Channel 5.

I don’t want this piece to seem like a hate piece about Helen. Do I like her? No. Do I think she’s all bad? No. I’m never interested in personally attacking someone, and to her credit she did not sit and laugh and smirk when the VT of her most hideous moments were shown to her, but that doesn’t mean that how she acted was ok.

I don’t like when people shout bully as soon as someone has an argument in the Big Brother house, but I do think that aspects of her behaviour could certainly be classed as bullying; I’m going to be working in a school soon, and if any of my pupils ever shouted aggressively in another classmates face, called them a ‘slug’, a ‘fat bitch’ or a ‘pigeon-chested twat’ they would absolutely be brought up on it and it would not be allowed to continue.

I think her realisation that her behaviour has been unacceptable is genuine and if she has learned to no longer be like this then I am glad for her, and I hope she carries this new attitude on in her life from now on because I believe a leopard can change its spots. But I don’t think it’s right that channel 5 thought it was ok to constantly let her abusive behaviour be rewarded.

Of  course, they’ll say it’s a public vote and that we should all suck it up because it’s what the public wanted. But due to Helen’s finalist past the public have never been given the chance to evict her in a negative vote where she would’ve almost certainly have gone.

Fair play to her for getting it, but she has broken so many rules regarding aggressive behaviour (declaring ‘I want to smash someone’s head in’ is not ok) that channel 5 should at the very least of stripped her of this pass after her second warning, though I think they’d have been more than justified in throwing her out completely.

Instead, they gave her warning after warning without any real consequence, and it felt as if they’d that the publicity she was giving the show was more important than highlighting that behaviour that did often feel like bullying was not acceptable.

This tweet was one that put me over the edge:

image

Worthy? Are you serious?

I would like the person or team who typed that word to think about how they’d feel if their kid (whether they have them now or may do in the future) was screamed at and called a ‘fat bitch’, ‘slug’ and ‘pigeon-chested twat’ and the perpetrator not only went unpunished, but were also given a financial reward for that attitude. It’s disgusting.

Channel 5 is the dregs of British television anyway, and hopefully this is the final blast in the frame work of the steadily sinking ship that is Big Brother UK. I can’t believe what I watched last night.


Guardians of the Galaxy.

image

Marvel have been releasing approximately seventeen films a year for a while now, often with varying degrees of success. Some have been really fun and sparky (Avengers Assemble and – yes, this one is genuinely my favourite, suck it up, fellas – Iron Man 2), whereas some have failed to have quite so much impact (the dull Winter Soldier and The Incredible Hulk with Liv Tyler’s terrible performance).

Guardians of the Galaxy is a step in a different direction for them, introducing a lot of new characters that many superhero fans aren’t necessarily as familiar with. 

Let’s be honest, unless you’re Christopher Nolan then you don’t really need to be weighed with the plot in superhero films, but the gist is that lovable rogue Peter Quill/Star Lord ends up in prison with a group of misfits (a sexy green Zoe Saldana, a huge patterned chap who doesn’t do metaphors, a genetically engineered racoon and a kind hearted tree) and they all unwittingly end up trying to save the world from a couple of blue skinned bad guys.

Before I go into the main cast, it’s worth pointing out that this film is so good if you get a little kick out of spotting actors you know from smaller roles popping up in blockbusters. Here’s a random sampling:

Fab. And the main cast were all brilliant too. My favourite actor so far from the Marvel  world is Robert Downey Jr, because his Tony Stark is such a brilliantly charming dickhead, and I think Chris Pratt as Quill is almost equally as charismatic and good looking. Zoe Saldana is cool and ferocious and still manages to be a thousand times more attractive than the majority of the population even when she is green, and Dave Bautista gets some great lines as Drax. 

My favourites, though were Rocket and Groot, the best – and only, probably -  raccoon/tree combo since Pocahontas. Rocket (voiced by Bradley Cooper) is a little fire cracker and has some great lines and angry moments. And Groot is just…lovely.  He really is. Like, I’m not even sure myself how I’ve become so emotionally attached to a large tree (and a large tree voiced by hardman Vin Diesel, no less) but I have. He is just so sweet and endearing and I defy anyone not to fall in love with him.

I honestly think I was more emotionally invested in their relationship than I usually am in 90% of romances. And THIS scene where tiny twig Groot dances to One More Chance is the cutest thing in the world.

The soundtrack is also brilliant. Really fast and fun, and when I hopefully get my car this year it’s going to be my main driving playlist because it will be so much fun to scream along to Cherry Bomb and If You Like Pina Colada’s. I just loved it.

As is usually the way (because I’m a grumpy cow, sorry) I do have a couple of minor problems. With any superhero film, the inevitable huge showdown at the end is always something of an endurance test for me, and if you aren’t into explosions and gunshots then this one does seem like it goes on a particularly long time.

And, Loki aside who is an absolute bundle of fun, I do think Marvel films sometimes create somewhat lackluster villains, and this is another example. It’s clear who’s side your on, but sometimes I think I’d get more involved in the story if I was made to actually despise the bad guys; give me fifteen minutes of the blue folks acting like Joffrey and I’ll try and jump in and throttle the little shits myself.

And in typical Marvel style I didn’t really have a clue what was going on most of the time (what’s a tesaract? What’s that purple thing? I doubt I’ll ever know) but I also typically did not care because I was having so much fun.

Guardians of the Galaxy is so infectiously fun and lively and energetic that it’s really difficult not to like. With its funny script, interesting characters and visually stunning space settings, it’s a joy pretty much from start to finish, and I’m already looking forward to the next one. And if I disappear for a while don’t worry; I’m just starting my mission to find and adopt Groot and make him my best friend forever.

☆☆☆☆.